юмор, шутки

From Laura

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you
want an increase?'

Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

from Vladimir K

Finally a good news
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an
Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same
subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the
newspaper reader "Moshe, have you lost your mind?
Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through
assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the
Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control
media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is
so much better."

From Lena

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting. I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

From Michael S

IDA'S ON A ROLL !!
-----------------------------
Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack.
"Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist,
"you must keep me alive for the next two years.
I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ida gratefully attended the festive
rite of passage. Some time later she again
spoke to her doctor.
"My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months.
Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
And my friend happily attended her
granddaughter's wedding.
Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist
regularly and followed his instructions religiously.
One morning she called him.
"Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have
another request to ask of you: Remember how
you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my
granddaughter's wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th
birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year guarantee..."
________________________

BAD NEWS FOR SADIE !!
---------------------------------------

Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for
a check up.
After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one
side and said, "I have some very bad news for you.
There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her
mind has completely gone."
"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been
giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

_________________________
SADIE AND ESTHER !!
----------------------------------
Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their
Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my God," cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy!
Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look,
his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."

_________________________
THE RABBI HAS NEWS !!
--------------------------------------
A Rabbi got up one Saturday morning and announced
to his congregation: I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for
our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets !!

_________________________
HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY !!
------------------------------------------
Rachel: What's wrong with your hair dear? It looks like a wig.

Ruth: You know something - - it is a wig.

Rachel: How do you like that! You could never tell.

________________________

IF YOU SMELL, YOU PAY !!
----------------------------------------
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door
to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch
time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat
his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful
odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice
from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to
the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything
from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present
their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his.
It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor
food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said,
"What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his
pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!

1. Kidnappers are not very nterested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.