юмор, шутки

From Elena

1. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

2 Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

3. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, 'So did my arthritis.'

4. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner

5 Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

6. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.

7. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

from Inna U.

Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so
> > advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,
> > put it in another, and have him out looking for work
> > in six weeks."
> > A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can
> > take a lung out of one person, put it in another,
> > and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
> >
> > A British doctor says, "In my country medicine
> > is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of
> > one person, put it in another, and have both of them
> > out looking for work in two weeks."
> >
> > The American doctor, not to be outdone,
> > interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about
> > to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White
> > House, and then half the country will be out looking
> > for work.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."