юмор, шутки

GREAT!!!!
What a "Billion" looks like…

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New
Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division . .
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Perm it Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers), < BR> Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the
most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times

What the heck happened?

Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if 'I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
'I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen.'
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world'.

from Simona

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again
objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas
mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
on to when I pull out your tooth.

from Arkady

This is a true incident that happened in New York
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan.
The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"
The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the brain of the Jews ...

from Vladimir K.

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides ofChrist".

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

From Lena G.

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
> source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He
> crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
> breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
> several yards ahead of him.
>
> He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered
> that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
> It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
> unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie . BUT this was no ordinary
> genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black
> alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
>
> "Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks.
> You got three vishes."
>
> "I 'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust
> a Jewish genie!"
>
> "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"
>
> The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
> was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food
> and drink."
>
> ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen
> and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>
> "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your se cond vish?"
>
> "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
> ** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
> old coins and precious gems.
>
> "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a
> good vone!"
>
> After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no
> matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"
>
> ** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
>
> He was turned into a tampon.
>
> THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
> If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to
> be a string attached.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the
head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he
asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this
time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that
for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.?
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

p.s. "Send extra sauce."