RUSSIAN SARASOTA.COM
Each joke has some thruth...
ARCHIVE 4
About Life - For Life ...
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you.
We have some Russians up here in heaven that are causing problems.
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabbana instead of their white robes, their riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower seeds and pelemeni and smoking.
Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Russians are Russians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.
Those damn Russians have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning! !!
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a
Woman police officer who was also a blond.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively aggravated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The police woman answered "It's square and has your picture on it."
The blonde woman finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer.
"Here it is!" she said.
The blonde officer took the mirror, looked at it, and handed it back.
"Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop."
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive
depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating,
she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline
and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his butt.
Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to
> an unusually attractive
> woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little
> restaurant.
> So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
> 'This is from the
> gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated
> the sender with a nod of
> his head.
> She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not
> looking at the man,then
> decided to send a reply to him by a note.
>
> The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
> took the note f rom
> her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
> The note read:
>
> 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> Mercedes in your garage, a
> million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your
> pants'.
> After reading the note, the man decided to compose
> one of his own in return.
> He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
> instructed him to deliver it
> to the lady.
> It read:
> 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they
> appear to be, I have a
> Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a
> Porsche Turbo in my several
> garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami ,
> and a 10,000 acre ranch
> in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars
> in my bank account and
> portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful
> as you are, would I cut
> off three inches.. Just send the bottle back.'
>
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he ask s her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
